exercises

It's been a while since my last post. That is due partly to my fucking job wearing me down to a useless nub and partly owed to my hesitation in taking on the slate of topics I have set before myself.

My shrink gave me a series of exercises she wants me to go through. She wants me to list my fears and my goals (short and long term). She gave me some guidelines to keep me grounded.

I have recently learned how profound my split from reality is. Not that I think I'm Napoleon or need to wear a tin-foil hat, but when I look at myself through the filter of concrete reality the difference is striking. It is both thrilling and frightening.

Unfortunately, I lost the sheet of paper she gave me with the guidelines on it. Things like sticking to measurable, verifiable items.

I guess I'll just have to forge ahead and see what happens. Maybe I left it at work.

why this blog will fail

This blog will fail. It may have already. At some point the entries will drop off. The period between them growing, until finally it will just sit gathering eDust^®.

The reason? My complex system of expectations. They are a trap from which no endeavor can escape.

If historical trends hold, I will, consumed with manic energy, throw myself into this blog. I will develop absurd expectations that can't possibly be achieved.

As I begin to fall short of these results, self-loathing and fear will begin to nudge me. My self-directed disdain for not living up to my expectations, and my fear of being judged and found wanting will form a fog that will descend on my brain, obscuring reality.

So, the tool I am trying to use to help repair my mind will be acted upon and destroyed.

Hammer into anvil.

this blog

Here's the first post on my first real blog. If you read the description in the right margin you will see the context for the posts that follow.

I don't really expect anyone to read this, but I think the possibility that someone might, will drive me a little.

In the end, the point of this blog is to help clean out my head so I can be a better and happier person. If I can achieve that in any measure this will have been a success.