why this blog will fail

This blog will fail. It may have already. At some point the entries will drop off. The period between them growing, until finally it will just sit gathering eDust^®.

The reason? My complex system of expectations. They are a trap from which no endeavor can escape.

If historical trends hold, I will, consumed with manic energy, throw myself into this blog. I will develop absurd expectations that can't possibly be achieved.

As I begin to fall short of these results, self-loathing and fear will begin to nudge me. My self-directed disdain for not living up to my expectations, and my fear of being judged and found wanting will form a fog that will descend on my brain, obscuring reality.

So, the tool I am trying to use to help repair my mind will be acted upon and destroyed.

Hammer into anvil.

inferiority for lunch

All morning I had been feeling mildly repelled by the idea of a heavy lunch. Had I gone with this I might have had a light, healthy, lunch. Instead I talked myself into going to Subway and having a 12" meatball sub, 2 bags of chips, and a coke.

I started to feel awkward as I pulled into the parking lot, and the feeling kept building as I stood in line. I felt a little embarrassed as I ordered, but my inferiority really kicked in when I saw what the man in front of me had ordered. He had a veggie patty on a 6" pita, covered with sauces and fresh veggies. To drink he got a cup of water.

This was the lunch that I should have ordered. This was an example of the way I should be living. Modest in portions, but enormous in satisfaction. My food was flat and heavy; punishing me with its artificial flavoring and density. His was complex and uplifting.

When the man behind the counter mentioned that both he and the man with the envied lunch were Brahmans (the highest caste in Hinduism) I started to feel like a lowly mongrel.

After lunch I started to compulsively find fault with everyone I saw. "This guy didn't pull into his parking space right." "Look at that guy's coat. You can tell he's weak just by looking at it." "That guy on the radio is an idiot."

I find myself in the middle of this pointless exercise. Something shakes my fragile sense of superiority and I react by wallowing in (self) hatred. I am especially susceptible to this when I know I am not in the right.

the shelves

I got bent out of shape Saturday about these shelves I was hanging in the kitchen. They are hung horribly and, due to their inferior design, won't support any weight.

I'm mad at Jen for pressuring me to use inferior drywall anchors. She didn't want me to get sidetracked and waste the day looking for the best anchors. I can understand where Jen is coming from. I don't have a track record of finishing projects. In fact, I almost never do.

In order to calm me down Jen said she would finish up the shelves herself.

Later that night I lashed out at Jen for buying the poorly designed shelves; choosing the house with the warped walls; pressuring me to use the inferior anchors; and basically every imperfect aspect of reality that I could link to her.

Not cool.

narcissistic personality disorder

Earlier this year I was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. It's not one of those cool personality disorders. It's a crappy one.

Apparently I was imprinted with a bunch of bad ideas about myself and my relationship to the world subconsciously when I was very impressionable. The basic "symptoms" of the disorder are:

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement
6. is interpersonally exploitative
7. lacks empathy
8. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

No fun.

To console myself I looked for an online support group for narcissists but all I found was hatred. I found diatribes against people with narcissistic personality disorder, heart-wrenching tales of innocent people destroyed emotionally by narcissistic lovers, and useful instructions on how to identify and avoid narcissists.

The prognosis is grim. Narcissism is usually incurable. That is because the disorder doesn't allow for its own existence. Most narcissists will never be able to pierce the wall of their own narcissism. I have a small advantage there. My abuse of psychedelic drugs ten, or so, years ago helped jar my world view enough to allow for this crushing realization to leak in over time.

Hopefully this blog will help me get these harmful constructs out in the open so I can dismantle them.

We'll see.

this blog

Here's the first post on my first real blog. If you read the description in the right margin you will see the context for the posts that follow.

I don't really expect anyone to read this, but I think the possibility that someone might, will drive me a little.

In the end, the point of this blog is to help clean out my head so I can be a better and happier person. If I can achieve that in any measure this will have been a success.