out of time

I'm out of time and it's freaking me out. I'm nearly 40 and I feel like I have no way left to "win." I can't see a way to insure Saula's educational, or financial well being. If we buy a house now we won't own it until we're 70! We will never be able to retire. I'm going to be paying off my student loans until I'm 50! I don't earn enough money. I'm panicking.

Mid-life crisis. Mid-life. How strange. I'm in the period in which the halfway point of my life will occur.

This started yesterday on Facebook. A guy who I thought I had left behind in high school asked to be my friend. This guy had a superhero body in 6th grade. Athletic, attractive, popular, friendly, fun, married his high school sweetheart, stayed in the burbs... pretty much the antithesis of me.

I always consoled myself with the idea that people like him "peaked" in high school. Well they didn't. While I was screwing up in college and experimenting with drugs and mental illness, this guy went to school, got married, started a family, got a job, and worked himself into a senior position. He probably has savings for his kids' college, money for retirement, and owns his house (or will soon).

All of the things I thought were important, weren't. All of the things I thought weren't important, were.